[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":248},["ShallowReactive",2],{"blog-page-39":3,"blog-count":247},[4,62,122,165,208],{"id":5,"title":6,"body":7,"date":40,"description":13,"extension":41,"meta":42,"navigation":45,"path":57,"seo":58,"stem":59,"tags":60,"__hash__":61},"blogs\u002F_legacy\u002F2012\u002F2012-05-01-%e6%97%a0%e5%8a%9b%e6%84%9f.md","无力感",{"type":8,"value":9,"toc":35},"minimark",[10,14,17,20,23,26,29,32],[11,12,13],"p",{},"无论做什么都无法改变的现实，无力感像是海绵一样再一次把我包裹起来。",[11,15,16],{},"纯白、冰冷的绝望，我希望我可以告诉自己，这一切不过是我自己想要逃避努力所编织的又一个谎言。",[11,18,19],{},"没有可以作为未来参照的过去，也没有通向未来的可以信任的路标。我曾以为自己是迷路了，但是我并不清楚自己的真实境况。我想要看清自己，可是却发现自己似乎是如此的空虚。",[11,21,22],{},"我试图追溯过去寻找自己的真实，找到的只是从虚无中诞生的自我。即便经历了无数的改变，虚无仍然是我的源头。我是何时变成现在的我的呢？向过去寻找现在的证明或许并不是一个明智的选择呢。",[11,24,25],{},"我并不能算得上是乐观的存在，过去留下的记录也基本全是灰暗的阴影。当我打算从新开始努力时，却发现已经没有可以改变的手段了。",[11,27,28],{},"是我的勇气还不够吗？是我的决心还不坚决吗？",[11,30,31],{},"这种时候总有种想要向上天祈祷赐予力量的感觉呢。",[11,33,34],{},"我从来都不喜欢不确定性太高的东西，但是唯独这回我希望现实能给我多一份不确定性。",{"title":36,"searchDepth":37,"depth":38,"links":39},"",2,3,[],"2012-05-01","md",{"layout":43,"status":44,"published":45,"author":46,"author_login":47,"author_email":48,"author_url":49,"wordpress_id":50,"wordpress_url":51,"date_gmt":52,"excerpt":53},"post","publish",true,{"display_name":47,"login":47,"email":48,"url":49},"chaoshikari","chaoshikari@gmail.com","\u002F",377,"\u002F\u002F?p=377","2012-05-01 03:10:42 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12:28:48 +0000",{"type":8,"value":114},[115],[11,116,69],{},"\u002F2012-05-01-重复",{"title":64,"description":69},"_legacy\u002F2012\u002F2012-05-01-%e9%87%8d%e5%a4%8d",[],"coIxwfQnB5x8MgiWy0uaS2cvdppprddOSQkGu51gIeY",{"id":123,"title":124,"body":125,"date":150,"description":129,"extension":41,"meta":151,"navigation":45,"path":160,"seo":161,"stem":162,"tags":163,"__hash__":164},"blogs\u002F_legacy\u002F2012\u002F2012-04-27-%e5%9b%9e%e5%bd%92%e7%8e%b0%e5%ae%9e.md","回归现实",{"type":8,"value":126,"toc":148},[127,130,133,136,139,142,145],[11,128,129],{},"改变是痛苦的，但是其中或许也不乏快乐。",[11,131,132],{},"我一直都惧怕改变，总是担心改变后的自己就不再是自己了。然而世界上最常发生的事情便是事与愿违，不经意间自己就被改变了。偶尔回忆过去也不禁怀疑自己真的还是不是以前的自己，自我这个词对于我而言实在是过于微妙，我一直都放任自己随波逐流，无论那是自己的愿望还是别人的需求。",[11,134,135],{},"如果改变是痛苦的话，那么那一定是人生所必须承担的痛苦。我却一直没有下定决心，虚无的幻觉总是好过现实的痛苦，现实虽然也缤纷多彩但与其相伴的还有痛苦与悲伤。然而幻想的尽头里什么也没有，一切的痛苦和悲伤只是被藏了起来，等待着我的只有破灭。",[11,137,138],{},"因此最近也试着去改变了，让自己渐渐的融入到这个我一直以来拒绝的环境中去。",[11,140,141],{},"然后我发现了，改变，而不是拒绝改变才是真正的保持自我的手段。沉浸在过去中只会使自己无法前行，只有去改变了才能发现真正属于自己的道路、才能看清属于自己的那一份现实。",[11,143,144],{},"不过现在说这些还为时过早，因为来自于现实的苦楚是不会完结的，而我还无法确定这是不是一场值得的交易。现在能说的只有一句话：",[11,146,147],{},"我回来了，现实。",{"title":36,"searchDepth":37,"depth":38,"links":149},[],"2012-04-27",{"layout":43,"status":44,"published":45,"author":152,"author_login":47,"author_email":48,"author_url":49,"wordpress_id":153,"wordpress_url":154,"date_gmt":155,"excerpt":156},{"display_name":47,"login":47,"email":48,"url":49},373,"\u002F\u002F?p=373","2012-04-27 14:36:03 +0000",{"type":8,"value":157},[158],[11,159,129],{},"\u002F2012-04-27-回归现实",{"title":124,"description":129},"_legacy\u002F2012\u002F2012-04-27-%e5%9b%9e%e5%bd%92%e7%8e%b0%e5%ae%9e",[],"p5LrxdZwvUP4B5Ozr5Cx0K0X5w9ReQw_U_7izgsemFA",{"id":166,"title":167,"body":168,"date":193,"description":172,"extension":41,"meta":194,"navigation":45,"path":203,"seo":204,"stem":205,"tags":206,"__hash__":207},"blogs\u002F_legacy\u002F2012\u002F2012-04-23-%e6%96%ad%e7%bb%ad%e7%9a%84%e5%9b%9b%e6%9c%88.md","断续的四月",{"type":8,"value":169,"toc":191},[170,173,176,179,182,185,188],[11,171,172],{},"四月马上就要过去了，这个四月远比以前经历的要漫长很多。",[11,174,175],{},"因为发生了太多的事情，也受到了很多打击。总体上来说的话，就是因为自己太不成熟了。",[11,177,178],{},"一直不是很擅长人际交往，其实其中也有着逃避人际关系的意思在里面。网上的交往一直都被认为是那些在现实生活中稍有失意的人的归所，不过我想不是这样的，至少现在不是如此。生活中会失败的人在网上也很有可能失败，总是一天到晚对着电脑的人，有可能在网上也只是个毫无存在的旁观者。当然，这都是以自己为参考的。",[11,180,181],{},"我对与人接触总是带着抵触，所以总是一个人呆着。虽然心里明白人与人之间必须连接在一起才能更好的活下去，但是却总是没法迈出那关键的一步。我并不是那种一个人就可以独自活下去的人，虽然心中隐约明白，却没想到现实向我证明这一点的日子会同时从现实生活和网络的世界到达呢。",[11,183,184],{},"人生这种东西还真是残酷无比，幻想破灭这种事情实在是很痛苦呢。不过这都是自己把握不好平衡的错，自己太过贪心而又没有足够的勇气和力量的缘故。总是害怕会做的不好，最后就变得更加糟糕了。",[11,186,187],{},"不过已经下定决心要改变自己，所以这样的一点伤痛或许是理所应当的。",[11,189,190],{},"所以我还是决定要向前走，直到世界的尽头。",{"title":36,"searchDepth":37,"depth":38,"links":192},[],"2012-04-23",{"layout":43,"status":44,"published":45,"author":195,"author_login":47,"author_email":48,"author_url":49,"wordpress_id":196,"wordpress_url":197,"date_gmt":198,"excerpt":199},{"display_name":47,"login":47,"email":48,"url":49},365,"\u002F\u002F?p=365","2012-04-22 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